DECEMBER 2, 2019. In just less than 30 days we shall be entering 2020. It’s crazy to think that the year 2000 will be 20 years ago. I mean it’s crazy just to think that I graduated five years ago. I usually reflect on the year past in my blog post when it comes near New Year’s but that is for another post. This one is different. This one is sorta of a reflection/sorry/thank you.
An hour ago…around 8pm I went on a scouring for my old books. I’ve recently decided to reread my ultimate favorite series: The Mortal Instruments. Sadly I’ve discovered that I’m missing books 2-4. Have no idea why they’re missing but it makes my heart ache. While searching for my favorite books that once held all of my attention and soul in my teen years I stumbled upon a folder. It’s a blue folder that’s heavy. On top in red marker in horrendous handwriting it says, ‘Holiday Cards.’ I took a deep breath. I knew immediately all the contents in the folder. It’s filled with birthday cards, Christmas cards, graduation cards scattered throughout the years. I even have birthday invitations! Some from middle school, high school and early college.
Than I remembered a box I have and I went searching for that. In the box were not only more cards but things from Gradbash, one note from ELEMENTARY school and letters of friendship.
So here I am sitting on my tile floor silently crying. Memories flooding back. Memories of shared laughter and smiles with people who I don’t see or talk to anymore. Well some of them. Cards filled with friends forever, you’re incredibly talented and you’re going to do great things in life. I sat in awe. A lot of those cards said that. That I will be great. That I’m smart. That I’m beautiful. I remember the girl that those cards were referring too. That girl didn’t feel smart. She felt ugly. She felt talent-less. She felt sad. She felt lonely. And looking at myself now I’ve realized I didn’t feel much of those things anymore.
This is from Jack. I remember Jack. I wonder if Jack remembers me? I actually tagged him in a picture of that card when I found it. Jack probably doesn’t remember much of me but I remember he was always sweet and smart and funny. He would always lend a helping hand. One memory I cherish is I was walking into Ms. Delancey class in first grade and I had glasses. I was nervous. My mom had told my teacher that I was nervous people might make fun of me. The teacher assured her that they wouldn’t and we had a student who was confident in his glasses. And that was Jack. Jack waved at me with his wiry glasses and flashed me a genuine bright smile. I felt at ease. And since than in elementary he was always kind to me. I remember being upset that he was moving. So thank you Jack. For being kind. For having a good heart. You have no idea how much it meant.
In middle school Allisson gave me a pink Eeyore for my birthday. Yes that’s two l’s and two s’s. It must have been 6th and 7th grade.But I’ve actually known her since elementary school. Allisson is smart and beyond beautiful. I always thought she was pretty. If memory serves me correct my cousin had a crush on her and I think she did on him. I went to elementary, middle and high school with her. Sadly middle school we drifted apart. Middle school is strange and awkward and you start to learn more about the world. A lot of friendships drift apart because middle school is different. You start to become more aware of your body changing, of how girls look at boys or other girls and vice versa. She started hanging out with girls who in my opinion were more popular. Was not a bad thing. But her friendship was the first to start helping me realize that some friendships grow apart. I’ve kept this because Allisson was and is always kind to me. She now has a beautiful baby girl and an amazing boyfriend which she definitely deserves. Thank you Allisson. Even though we grew apart you are still kind and funny. Thank you for the secret notes we’d pass around in Ms. Perdomo’s class and for dance breaks in P.E. You were the first person to help me realize that it’s okay if people drift apart. Some are meant too. Doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing.
Middle School. This is a bookmark from one of my old best friends. This one is from 8th grade. I remember it because I was a library aide (total book nerd). Mia knows how much I love books and decided to make me this. Mia and I became friends in 7th grade and we stayed friends even when going to separate high schools. Our friendship grew closer senior year and especially once we graduated. We don’t talk much now but it doesn’t mean we aren’t friends. Life gets complicated. People go on different paths. That is something life has taught me. People grow and some people need to grow. There are times when growing is best done apart. Thank you Mia for always being brave, determined and outgoing. For being there for all of my lows. For helping me see that I needed to grow within myself.
These are from high school. Three girls who I spent my entire high school life with. We went to homecoming together, prom, survived agriscience together and were tighter than a knit sweater. But sometimes a knit sweater can unravel. And we did. I learned a lot from this friendship. Honestly this is hard to write. It’s complicated to write. I always felt out of place in the group. Whether they knew this or not I feel the sense to apologize. I think we all knew I was the loose string. I was always jokingly trying to break up the group. And maybe I was subconsciously. I really don’t know but I did feel as though deep down I didn’t fit in. They were/are confident and assertive. I wasn’t. I felt like I was trying to be something I wasn’t. But gosh, am I grateful for the memories and laughter these girls gave me. Like surprising me for my birthday by hiding in my closet, walking into my bathroom while I was showering screaming happy birthday and sharing my first sleepover experience. After graduation we drifted apart. I wasn’t making time for them and when I did make time they didn’t want it. And I don’t blame them. Why put effort for someone who doesn’t give it back? And that is the lesson Noella, Sabrina and Ashlynn taught me. That friendship means nothing if it’s not a two way street. A lesson I’m still learning to remember. So thank you girls. Thank you for Simba, the memories and helping me realize myself.
Cristina! How’s vet school? I’ve known Cristina since the 9th grade when we met in agriscience class. Funny enough we’ve maintained our friendship mainly through snapchat. We literally had a 600 day streak that I ruined due to vacation. Cristina is an amazing human being who always listening to my rants and crazy stories. I would always go to her house on a break from working at the daycare. Cristina thank you for still being my friend and being incredibly supportive in everything I do. I put effort into making sure I contact her everyday. Because friendships last when you put effort. Crazy to think how far we’ve actually come since high school! Also you know you’re going to be my dog’s vet? So hurry up and graduate!
This is from Anaija. Anaija is my best friend. I’ve known her since the 7th grade and we are still friends today. Anaija is my sister, my best friend and my therapist. She has been with me through it all. Que tears. She has seen me and heard me at my lowest points and has been with me to celebrate in person and virtually every high. She’s helped me through heartache, deaths, achievements and laughter. She has helped me grow into who I am. She’s helped me learn more about myself. I guess that psych degree is coming in handy. Anaija I appreciate and value our friendship. Heck you already know you’re my maid of honor (and you know who you’re sharing that title with). Even with distance and not communicating every day I look forward to our catch up sessions and random I love you’s. Thank you for being my sister and holding my hand through life. Thank you for being a constant rock and helping me realize my toxic traits and helping me grow.
This is from Yily my other best friend. My other half. Yily and I met in 9th grade, fourth day of high school. It was I believe fourth period. Yily stole my seat. See we both have last names that start with A’s. We’re both used to being the first or second person in a seat when it comes to sitting in alphabetical order. I sat behind her, nervous to correct her. I took a deep breath and mustered my strength to tap her shoulder. She realized her mistake. And we’ve been friends ever since. This girl has also been with me through it all. Yily is a kindred spirit. We are so alike it’s scary. Sometimes it’s as if she’s the only person who understands me and freaky enough we’re always going through the same thing. Let’s just say both of our siblings had babies two months apart. Freaky. Yily you also know you’re going to be my maid of honor (sharing with Anaija of course). She has been with me through breakups, figuring out my life (multiple times), and helping me learn about myself. We’ve traveled to Paris and London together. You’ve literally met my whole family even the ones overseas. You are forever a piece of me for that I thank you. Thank you for being my sister, my best friend, my shoulder to cry.
This card. This card shook in my hand. After reading this card I couldn’t stop my hand from shaking. This card was from when I graduated high school. I was a different person five years ago and funny enough I am becoming all the things that were mentioned in this card. The women who wrote this card was an incredible, vibrant, hysterical soul who made amazing coffee. The women knew me since I was in the belly. She’s watched me grow from a baby to a tall beautiful 18 year old with her life ahead of her. Honestly this is hard to write without crying. This woman was incredibly kind to me and most importantly my mom. Mom worked with her for over ten years. She wrote this card telling me how proud she was of me and how much I’ve grown up. Reading it hurt a lot. She passed away after my Paris trip with Yily a few years back. My mom and I are still close with her family. Tina thank you for being sweet with my mom and me. Thank you for the coffee. Thank you for reminding me how beautiful I am and sweet and humble I am. Thank you for reminding me that I do have an amazing future ahead of me and it’s because of the mark you and your family have left on my heart.
The cards I have above aren’t even all of them. I have so many cards from my mom it’s insane. But she is my mom. My mom picks the most emotional cards, underlining important words and always write in Portuguese at the bottom. Over the years I’ve looked forward to her cards. Whether it’s Easter or my birthday her cards remind me that she is incredibly proud of me. Even though I am slow she is sometimes patient with me. Even on my temperamental days she’s there to snap me back to reality. There are a lot of things my mother has taught me. Not just to be brave, independent and smart. But I’ve learned a lot of the not so good traits that I’ve picked up from her. Traits that I’m changing with myself and in turn with her. She made me realize that we aren’t so different. That I wasn’t loving her the way I should have. For instance I like people praising things I’ve done so does she. Every time my mom is wearing a new outfit or creates something she will repeatedly ask me if she looks nice or if it’s pretty. She questions herself a lot and I do the exact same thing. Realizing that I always make sure to shower her with compliments. Or how sometimes my mom thinks negatively out loud saying she’s dumb or bad at something. Something I’ve done my entire life. I still strive to fix all of that within myself. And I’m there to remind her she is none of those things. That she is incredibly smart, brave and kind. She’s raised two kids on her own. My mom is everything for me. A lot of people point out that in person I talk a lot about her and that’s because it just mom and I. Mother and daughter against the world. I can’t imagine my life without her and it’s terrifying to think so. I know one day I’ll be able to give it all back to her. So thank you mom. Not only for feeding me and giving me clothes (although you had no choice in that since I’m your child and you want me to survive. Just saying, that’s your responsibility as a parent. Love you.) but for shoving me towards opportunities and reminding that life is hard but if you fight back you’ll get rewarded. I love you so much.
These girls right here have supported me the past few years. We reconnected a few years after high school.They support me in every aspect of my life and remind me that it’s okay to be sad and have anxiety. They help me physically, emotionally and mentally. I love them all so much and can’t wait to see where life takes us. My Supposably Miami Crew.
Each of these people I have collected multiple cards, invitations and random papers from. I’ve cherished everything they have done for me and left for me. They have all taught me to grow. There are many people that have taught me a lot of lessons. And that’s the thing about life. You are going to meet a lot of people throughout your life that will teach many things. You are going to make amazing connections and sometimes those connections end. Doesn’t mean that it wasn’t for nothing. I firmly believe that certain people are meant to pass through you in life. They are meant to come ringing your doorbell and dropping gifts of laughter, grief, heartache, kindness but most importantly growth.
Reflect on your relationships of 2019 and before. Think about those people and what they’ve taught you. Think about how you’ve changed since meeting or ending with them. You’ll realize you’ve changed a lot.
2019 has been an interesting year filled with-OH WAIT. I can’t really talk about 2019. That’s for another post you’ll just have to wait for.
Anyway this clearance girl is signing off.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope it meant something for some of you.