Once upon a time I use to be a great writer of love stories. I was able to conjure up fairy tales that would leave you with rosy cheeks and a huge smile. I use to write about strong females falling in love. I use to write about the butterflies you would get when your eyes would meet, the tender touches of lips. I loved writing about love. But the thing is the love I was writing was a lie. I wrote the fairy tale version of love thinking that’s exactly what love was like because it was all I either read or saw in movies. Love is crazy, amazing, heartbreaking and maddening. The spell that once captured me in my writing had been broken. I was like a pen that ran out of ink. I couldn’t write creatively anymore because everything I thought life and love was like was in fact a made up story. And what I’ve learned the past four years is that love comes in many forms and that takes time to figure out. I also learned that books and movies give us this ideal about what your life and heart is supposed to feel and be like. Lord knows I’ve spent my whole high school life thinking a Zac Efron look-alike was going to serenade me in the middle of a basketball game.
You learn a lot about yourself when you fall in love with people whether it be romantically or platonically. You learn about the forms love takes which the learning process of that can sometimes hurt…bad. You learn what matters most importantly. What is that exactly? That learning to love yourself and how you should be love will help you to love others. Learn what your priorities are, learn what you are willing to compromise on. Because loving others is a challenge. Everyone is different in what they feel and how they perceive things. That takes hard work to figure out. Some of us, me included aren’t ready for that. There’s so much about ourselves we have yet to learn that we rather focus on other people than ourselves. It’s easy to give advice to someone else, it’s easy to focus and deal with other people’s problems than our own. It’s scarier to look in the mirror. But we have to because there is so much growth that’s to be made, things to experience and people to meet.
In 2019 I want to find myself. I want to fall in love with myself. I’ve spent so many years just building confidence in myself that I never really thought about loving myself. Despite all my faults I need to learn to love and forgive myself. I know doing so won’t be easy and it’ll take time. But sometimes the hard and long road is what’s best. I want to find that creative spark I use to have. I miss that girl. I miss the innocence she had. I miss the way she looked at the world with such light. She was more carefree. She saw the world through a kaleidoscope. I want to go back to that. I need to be confident in myself instead of worrying about what to do to make someone happy when I’m not happy.
We are so busy making others happy, worrying about others that we are often our own after thought. We forget ourselves. I don’t think that’s just something that we do as young 20 year olds but as people in general. I know my mom does it and my friends do it as well. So what’s the first step? How about looking in the mirror and introducing you to yourself? Taking yourself on a date? Asking all the questions you would ask on a first date to yourself? Take the time to get to know you, the real you. You have one life which means you’re going to be stuck with yourself for a very long time. Why not learn to love you?
Well I have to go. I’m currently having coffee with someone named Isabel and I have a good feeling about this one.
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.”
– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross