Me as of Now

The past two months have been crazy. It’s been filled with happiness, excitement and loads of stress. In the past two months I’ve gone to two countries, tried to keep my grades afloat, had back to back call backs, picking future classes, thinking about master degrees, had family staying for two weeks  all while planning a gender reveal and trying not give up. And within all of that things had gone wrong as usually. Which is something I’ve learnd to accept. I was getting frustrated towards myself and everything around me and now currently trying to get over a horrible cold.

I feel like a rubber band about to snap and knowing myself I’ll snap on someone undeserving or…someone who sorta does deserves it. I can feel everything bubbling and brewing deep inside.

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But within all of that I’ve gotten closer to my friends, find myself coming up with more creative ideas, possible new adventures to tackle in the summer, realizing I’m going to be tía and laughing…a lot.  After 10 years I got to go to freaking Disney! I mean I got sick while I was there but regardless it was amazing fun. I went to my first baseball game which…you know they make baseball seem way more exciting on TV. But still fun.

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Despite the drama of the past two motnhs there’s been sprinkles of joy and laghter.

But I feel it. Like a storm looming over. In the back of my mind my nerves and worries keep trying to push through. Mainly due to the impending summer. I know most people can’t wait for the summer. They look forward to beach days and relaxing but for some reason I don’t. Summers leave me anxious. Mainly because I never have my summers planned. Summer is like a giant random gray cloud that people see and question if it’ll rain. It makes me feel lost.

When I go on social media and I see other people figuring out their lives and getting their dream jobs I’m feel lost and just like a giant question mark. It’s hard watching others succeed. It’s hard watching others get opportunities or chances that you would kill for. It’s easy for the green goblin to whisper in your ear. “Why me?” “Why not me?” “What am I doing wrong?” “Am I doing enough?” “Am I not doing enough?” It’s hard to keep your head above water when everything is trying to drown you. But you have to. I have to. I have to be my own Spider-woman (yes she does exist) and defeat my personal green goblin (even though that’s probably not her villain but you get the point).

One of the hardest things I’ve learned to accept is that everyone is on their own path, their own timeline. You have to keep swimming, push through the mud and work until your set of stars align. Your stars, planets or whatever you believe in our preparing to hold your greatness up in the sky. The sky just isn’t ready to handle all you have to offer yet. So keep growing, learning, building your greatness and everything will fall into place. And frranky I should follow that advice as well.

 

If there is one thing you can count on in your life, it’s that your path will not always be easy. -Tony Evans

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